Friday, December 03, 2004

Real Ultimate Power

So there's this guy named Robert Hamburger and he wrote a book called The Official Ninja Book. It tells you how to become a ninja, the day to day life a ninja, and how to identify ninjas. This book is probably the most hilarious thing I've ever encountered. Enjoy some exerpts:

Did you know? Ninja means "crapping me pantalons" in Canadian.

600 A.D: For some old queen's birthday, sixty thousand ninjas wail on their guitars and kill a country.

Nothing can kill a ninja. So if two ninjas start fighting they'll probably malfunction and start beeping and smoking.

Q. What do ninja's do when they're not cutting off heads or flipping out?
A. Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometimes they stab. (Ask Mark if you don't beleive me)

Ninjas fight all the time. Ninja means "fight" in German and Mexican.

Doctors: Doctors are retarded. They don't do anything. Sometimes they cut people, which is cool, but they don't do it enough. And when they actually do kill somebody, everybody yells at them.

Did you know? In the past, ninjas would dip their hands and feet into pure lava to make them hard. They don't do that anymore, because where do you get lava?

When hanging out with their clan, ninjas generally don't toss around real metal ninja stars. 'Cause if one ninja does it, then everybody's going to do it, and then some lamp gets busted and everybody has to go home and then what?

How to commit Seppuku with a frisbee:
1. Get a frisbee from the store or a friend.
2. Clean the frisbee.
3. Make sure your parents aren't around.
4. Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.
5. Get really, super pissed.
6. Fold the frisbee, hard (this is crucial).
7. Keep folded and insert frisbee into mouth, hard.
8. Push hard until you can't see it.
9. Wait.
10. Die.

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